scholarships, adoption, open adoption, adoption vs. abortion

Adoption Myths Debunked

Adoption Stages of Grief and Anger - What’s Normal

“Anger is depression turned inwards.” This is what many mothers and adoptees are told - almost accusingly - as they go from a state of denial and begin to address the tremendous loss of family they have experienced. Is anger always connected only with depression or are there other valid reasons for anger?

The emergence from denial seems to be occur based in part by recognition of the truth. For many, it is easier to block out their pain and the knowledge of how they have been used. Even in the rare case when the adopters acknowledge their error and seek to return her child, a mother whose self-esteem has been decimated may sadly insist that she has no rights and is undeserving of kindness or assistance. For some mothers in supposedly “open” adoption the truth of how they have been used may become apparent early on. These mothers may have constant reminders. The adopters make promises and break them - over and over - to ensure the natural mother knows her “place”. Other siblings may also be involved in this horrendously oppressive, heart-wrenching situation. Mothers from open adoption rarely speak up for fear their adopted-out child may be harmed. Mothers with closed adoptions may not comprehend how they have been used for many years, perhaps until they meet their child. Many mothers report that they have somehow steered clear of any book, movie or news on adoption - just blocking it all out.

Sometimes people - especially those involved in the business of adoption - suggest it is a mother’s or adoptee’s fault if she does not “just get over” her loss. Mothers and adopted persons seeking to reform the systems that lead to the separation of true family usually find their very real concerns are trivialized. Some people may heartlessly compare a mother’s healthy infant being taken for adoption to a person being bilked out of $1,000 on some business deal. Other people who are less astute may continue to tell mothers and adopted persons they are “lucky”. Adopted persons who search for knowledge of their true family often discover many obstacles in their path. Do adoptees owe the people who raised them their very souls, or dare they develop their own identity and fill in the missing pieces in their lives? How dare the government continue it’s policy of forcing an unrelated person to “fill in” for the child a couple really wanted but could not have?

Many persons “waking up” out of a state of denial still cannot articulate that they have experienced a great loss and do not realize they are grieving. Anger is one of the 5 commonly accepted stages of dying (along with denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance). Anger is normal and can be a source of strength. For many, the feeling that they were (or are still) powerless can be debilitating - at least for a time. Taking control by learning about adoption oppression and it’s effects - and educating others - can make a difference.

A thought for people separated by adoption:

There is a silent strength within each soul, and that strength is multiplied for those who remember that they do not walk their path alone. - Thomas J. Edwards

 

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