Post-Adoption - When a Mother is Grieving the Loss of Her Baby

The single mother-to-be listened to the advice of "professionals" - or perhaps listened to her parents - who said she would never be able to give her baby the things he needed most. Perhaps she was in a situation where she was unable to find the help or the moral support she needed to keep her beloved baby. Or perhaps she herself believed at the time that a child really needs married parents or wealthier parents. Perhaps it was true. Perhaps not. Regardless, now that she has "sacrificed" herself thinking it was best for her baby, she is experiencing a loss of great proportions: the loss of her own son or daughter.

Her feelings may be mixed and confusing. Why does she feel such elation over her baby's birth if she's not the real mother? If she did such a wonderful thing for her baby, why is she hurting so badly? Why if she "did the right thing" is she told to "forget about it"?

For some mothers in closed adoptions, the loss is completely unacknowledged. Everyone around the mother acts like "nothing happened" and refuses to talk about her baby. For other mothers, it may be that they thought in advance that they would not "bother" other people with their troubles and did not even tell them about the pregnancy or birth. And now, there's no one to talk to.

Sometimes a mother has lost her baby in an "open" adoption. She gets an occasional picture or letter from the adopting people and she can send letters or gifts to the adopting people to give to her child. Her correspondence may be going through an agency who will "bless" - or censor - her letters at will. Maybe she has visitation, or if the adopting people live nearby she even gets to babysit her child sometimes.

She may get a "birthmother gift" at the time her baby is born or later on at an "Entrustment Ceremony" to "thank" her for "choosing adoption". She may get a "birthmother card" on "Birthmother's Day" - which she may find insulting knowing that all other mothers are honored on Mother's Day.

Whether she feels honored or offended, all the strange rituals and gifts in the world do not really acknowledge her loss as a real human mother. She has forgone abortion, gone through nine months of labor and given birth to a beautiful baby and yet she is considered more of a "birth thing" than a human being.

For some mothers, the loss may seem to be manageable and "worth it" for the good of their child. Many mothers long for contact with their child. Some think they have no "right" to search for their child, and others search relentlessly.

Sadly, many mothers in both open adoption and closed adoption have later discovered their child did not "appreciate" their mother's "sacrifice" - their child did not appreciate being "dumped" at all. Many adoptees feel discarded and abandoned. When they meet their mother they feel angry. These feelings are normal. But it does add an element of shock and disbelief for a mother who was not advised of this when she was being sold the "option of adoption".

Post-Adoption - when a mother is grieving the loss of her baby - sometimes it helps to listen and acknowledge this serious loss.

Additional Reading:

Adoption and Loss the Hidden Grief. A paper that might be helpful in counseling a mother experiencing adoption loss, especially as her loss grows greater over time.

Open Adoption Loss from the Adoptee Perspective - This "Son of a Surrogate" was raised by his real dad and an adoptive "mother" - and apparently knew his real mother and maternal siblings. Yes he is upset about being sold. But the rest of his statement is about the effect of losing his real mother and lack of acknowledgement of the loss, and the lack of acknowledgement of the fact that they are real relatives. The "openness" did not "fix" his loss.

"Thinking of you and your baby"

Adoption loss can be difficult to acknowledge or discuss because so many moms find they need to "think only of the positives" in order to go on living. Some moms might appreciate acknowledgement of their motherhood, without a mention of "loss". Others might want the opportunity to talk about how their baby is doing - or might be doing - today. Does he have a tattoo or an earring? Does she like to sing? Is her birthday approaching? Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could have him here with the rest of the family at Christmas time?

It might help to acknowledge her motherhood with a gift - or it might not.

My Baby Charms - Just remember the trinket may let mom know you are thinking of her, but it does not replace her baby.