Pregnant? Which is better - open adoption vs closed adoption?

About adoption "choices"

Adoption is not a decision to be made lightly. People you thought you could trust - family and friends, even teachers and health professionals - may be pressuring you. You may feel sick and exhausted with your pregnancy. You may feel ashamed. But deep down inside you know you are the mother of your baby and you always will be. Seeing her calling someone else "mom" and referring to you as an "aunt", a "family friend" or a "birthmom birthmother birth object" instead of her mother will hurt. But what will be most painful is the loss of your own son or daughter to adoption. And this separation will be painful for your child as well. The consequences of unplanned pregnancy resolved by adoption are known. The effects will last a lifetime and even into future generations. When your adopted-out child is grown and your grandchildren say "Why didn't your mommy want you?" what will the answer be?

First question: Is adoption necessary?

Rather than consider whether open adoption or closed adoption is better, the first question to ask is whether adoption is really necessary.

The Mother-and-Child relationship is like no other. A baby bonds with her mother in the womb. A baby looks to her mother for security and no other caregiver - not even the baby’s father - can replace her. Many hospitals now recognize the importance of keeping newborns with their mothers, rather than separating them. Experts emphasize the benefits to a baby that come from nursing and her own mother’s milk, designed for her.

Yet with all that is known about the importance of a baby’s mother to her well-being, some vulnerable and naïve mothers are still being led to believe that their infant sons and daughters will be better off with someone else. Even a dog breeder knows better than to separate puppies from their mother before they are sufficiently mature.

Adoption separates real family members, decimating the adopted person's heritage whether the adoption is open or closed.

In some churches women who have had abortions have been remembered as the mother of their unborn child on Mother’s Day. But mothers who have given up hope of finding real help and surrendered their children for adoption are often forgotten on Mothers Day. The woman who purchased her child is considered the "mother" now.

Sadly some of the moms try to honor themselves and their "birth objecthood". What's wrong with "Birthmothers" Day? It's like the moms can't comprehend that even after their child is taken, they are not "birth objects" - and they should quit calling themselves such awful names and just call themselves the "mother" of their adopted-out child.

Open or Closed Adoption?

It's terrible when neither a mother nor father nor any relative wants to keep their new family member. It's a tragedy if the mother or other family members do want to keep him but the resources and help they need to keep their child are not available. However, if that is the case then voluntary relinquishment may be better than having your parental rights terminated for you by the courts. That's because an involuntary termination of parental rights may affect your ability to get certain jobs later - and even if your circumstances change, any subsequent babies you have may be taken from you right there at the hospital.

For your child, it is better to know who her relatives are, rather than be completely cut off from them. Open adoption may provide that option but the "openness" is risky. Read about the risks of open adoption. How long will things stay open? It may depend on whether the natural relatives and the people purchasing the child can agree on things. The first thing the natural mother should know is that she will be expected to "bow down and kiss the feet" of the adopters. Saying "yes, massa," and playing dumb is very important. But the question is - will it be good for the child, seeing his mother - or anyone - treated in this way?

Closed adoption leaves a mother and child suffering, wondering whether the other one is even alive. The child may assume his mother "just didn't want him". He may say he feels like a 9-month abortion. The adopters will emphasize that they DID want him - this will help to gain his allegiance to the adopters. And it may increase his anger toward his natural mom.

It's ironic how they say "adoption is best for the child". Whose kidding who here? Adoption is a divorce-like situation for a child, whose allegiance may be torn between his adopters and his own family members. This is true whether the adoption is open or closed.

There are businesses that make lots of money of adoptions - or get large donations for this "charitable" work. "Successful adoption" has nothing to do with whether there is any benefit to the natural family or to the child. Adoption "professionals" will consider an adoption to be "successful" based on whether they get your healthy baby and profit off from selling her.

Read more from mothers who were lured into open adoption.

There is a large market for babies. Human Life is Precious as Gold for Sale

Read More: Domestic Adoption Baby Boom