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Pregnancy Resulting from Rape - consequences, what to think about.

If you have been raped, yet you plan to give birth then you may be interested to know that many mothers have loved a child conceived in rape. And many natural mothers whose child was conceived in rape, then adopted-out grieve the loss of their son or daughter for a life-time.

Song of AngelsConsider this: During the days of slavery many children were conceived in rape or from forced breeding with other slaves. To my knowledge most of these mothers loved their children just as much as other mothers do.

Many adoptions have occurred after women or girls who were raped gave birth. Many of these natural mothers say they have found they missed their child as much as any mother would.

Though I have met many such mothers since then, at the time my son was born I did not know of any mothers who had children conceived in rape. I didn't know how to handle it or what would be best for him. I did want him and was very much bonded to him from the start. However, I was very concerned about keeping him because I didn't ever want to hurt him by saying something I didn't mean. I didn't know what to tell people if they asked about his father (particularly within his hearing). I was also concerned about what to tell him about his father. Would my son think he was bad, too? I knew he was not and I never wanted him to think so.

It's unfortunate, I still have to wonder what to tell him, because my son may decide to look me up some time.

What to you tell a child when rape is involved? What do you tell other people?

In retrospect, if I had kept him and people asked about his father, I would just tell them very confidently that I was his mother and his father! And if they asked again I'd just repeat what I said over again - unless they were someone very close. If they asked again I would change the subject. Maybe just ask: "Does my butt look wide in these shorts?" to lighten things up a bit.

As for my child, I would tell him that his father made a mistake and he hurt me very much. That I don't know if his father made this mistake once and then learned from it and never did it again. I would also tell him that he (my son) was the most important thing in my life and that I didn't regret having him at all.

Having been raped and even before I knew I was pregnant, I really did have some pretty awful feelings. I felt like garbage. I felt like everyone could tell, even though they were not told. Once I knew he was there - long before he was born - I felt we both had been treated like garbage. I could identify with my son in that way - I felt sorry for him! No one cared about him. It was so horrible. I wanted a baby. I wanted him. Really, I did want him and I loved him, but I was also scared and worried about him.

When he was born, I was afraid if I held him it would make things worse. My mother held him and he cried. The nurse held him and he cried - he was really squalling. She finally brought him near me. I touched him lightly on the forehead and he stopped crying right away and looked very interested. He seemed to know me and be secure with me. All my previous fear and mixture of feelings changed immediately to the most intense feelings of love. I kept him with me for a day and held him and cared for him.

Why didn't I just to keep him? After he was born, I thought I should honor my verbal agreement with the people hoping to adopt him. I was wrong. They would have gotten over it. I never will.

How could I know that I would drive by the sitters every day and wish I could go in with the other moms and pick up my son and take him to the park? How did I know I would spend so much time thinking about what it would be like if I could give him a bath, show him off to people, chat with other moms? How I longed to hear him laugh!

What I wanted most in the world was for my children to feel wanted and loved. Now I know adoption is not the way to make this happen - children will feel the security of being wanted and loved only if their parents keep them and nurture them.

Should You Encourage an Adopted Person to Find His/Her Father?

Note: This is not advice. I know your situation is different from mine. This is just my thinking, under my circumstances at this time. Maybe it will be of help to you.

I have seen children whose mothers did not want them to meet their fathers and I decided sometime within the last year or so that I would want my son to meet his father. It's for him, not for me.

The people who adopted my son are older. I'm sure he'll want family some day. He surely has other brothers and sisters on his father's side. I went so far as to tell my family members my son's father's name and where he lives so they could help him if I'm not here.

I had a hard time with this for many years, but I've decided that his father
may be not so different from many other men. How many men rape once in their lives? Probably a lot. After all this time, I've decided that some people make a mistakes, but it doesn't make sense to make more mistakes by penalizing the resulting children because of it. Of course, I could be wrong - he could be a serial rapist, but I don't know that.

My most difficult thing was to decide what to say about it to my son at all. I've decided that the truth is best. The truth is best. The truth is best.

If an adopted person meets his father and does not like him, he can deal with it just like other people deal with it if they don't like their parents. Of course if they get along really well, there could be some jealousy ...but I am a mature adult (I hope) and I will manage it. My son does not deserve to pay emotionally for all this by me making a tug-of-war out of it.